Artist Of The Day: Tay Allyn

We've come full circle. In 2011, we got Rebecca Black's "Friday"; 2012 brought the arrival of Double Take and their "Hot Problems"; this year, we have Tay Allyn, whose "Mass Text" is the next song to set the blogosphere on fire. Not that Ms. Allyn has any pretenses of greatness: the description on her YouTube argues that her music about "the mundane issues" of daily life is "sassy, fun, and RELATABLE" (on a more intriguing note, it also notes she was chosen by "Justin Timberlake and MySpace as a top upcoming artist of 2013.") What separates this awful song from the other awful songs inducted into the ARK Music Factory Hall of Fame, however, is how freaking DENSE it is. "Mass Text" finds about two dozen different hooks in a fairly repetitive conceit, most of them thanks to a firecracker performance from Tay.

Here's a few of the ones you can expect to hear in college dorms and block parties across the nation:

1. "Why didn't I get your mass text; I'm in your contacts!" Here's the hook of the song, twisted by Tay's histrionic, sharp voice until she owns it.
2. "I really, really, really, really, really need to know," she pleads in the chorus, subtly utilizing repetition to convey her pained urgency--five times as pained as usual, apparently.
3. Near the end of the song, Tay and her litany of backup dancers chant the title in the cadence of cherleaders, left and right arms bent into call-receiving positions. How they inspire everybody else to follow this innovative move is nothing short of touching.

Look, I'm not going to defend this as quality music, but if it's compelling...well, it's compelling. My YouTube history speaks for itself.

To complicate things, evidence points to satire this go round. Some YouTube commenters point out that Tay-Tay has an academic record and career as an actress--and that "Mass Text" was, in fact, uploaded to Funny Or Die eons ago. The plot thickens. For now, watch "Mass Text" and get your trigger finger and Facebook status update ready: