I know you. All you want out of your day is to get your school work done, you want to watch your favorite sports team or TV show, you want to have a brew with a few of your bros, you want to read Eli Kleman's thoughts on some awesome new album, and you want the company of a handsome lady. You feel like you should be able to accomplish all of this in one day but you always seem to strike out when it comes to scoring that mermaid. Let me help you.
The problem you are having is that you like music by artist that are not Gaga, artist who are neither slim nor shady, artist who refuse to kiss you through the phone, and artist who actually have some sort of musical talent. Once the female hears that you like music that is not on "Shit Songs 107.1" she immediately considers you to be a weird person who she could not carry on a romantic relationship with. She needs a man who makes 250K a year not a man who has 250,000 different versions of "Reckoner." Once you admit that you are not a radio robot, all hope seems to be lost.
Or is it?
This woman is obviously going to ask you for a CD, playlist, or if she is white trash enough a cassette. If you do this playlist wrong you will be the guy who watches "90210" with her, the guy who wakes her up on Black Friday, and the guy who is supposed to always be in a state of quiet awe around her fratty boyfriend. But if you do this playlist right you will end up having one of the best days of your life. Here are some things that you need to establish with this playlist:
A. You are not like every other guy!
B. You are not looking just to get in her pants!
C. You will always "be there" for her!
D. You know what love is!
E. You are hip, but not a hipster!
F. You have subscribed to at least one politically correct view!
G. You believe in Jesus/Buddah/Allah/Etc!
H. You recorded a song for her!
You have a chance to have a perfect day. Go and get it with these nine songs!*
*Please stop reading if you are a female or a decent human being*
SONG # 1: THE I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A QUICK BANG OPENING SONG
2011 example: Death Cab For Cutie: "Stay Young, Go Dancing"
Most women believe that most men are just looking to hookup with them based off of the proven fact that 99% of men are just looking to hook up with them. This means that going into this playlist the attractive female is expecting an opening song like "I Want To F(ournicate) With You." You have to make her think that you are not all about that and that is why it is key for you to choose a sensitive and romantic opening song. SYGD is the perfect opening song: it talks about love at first sight, falling in love, and dancing even through the coldest of winters. It is key that you choose a song that does not have the words "shawty," "jizz," "booty," or "roofi" in the lyrics. SYGD is the perfect sensitive first song.
SONG #2: THE I ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IMPORTANT SHIT SECOND SONG
2011 example: Frank Ocean: "We All Try"
Women love a politically correct cause. So far this month I have been a 99 percenter, a Pro Life activist, a Pro Choice activist, an Environmentalist, a Scientologist and most importantly someone disguised as a decent human being. Women get excited when they are tricked into thinking that men might actually be more then beer, Halo, and fantasy football. "We All Try" is good because it presents you as someone with original opinions on gay rights, the moon landing, God, and abortion. You no longer look like a douchebag!
SONG # 3: THE I PROBABLY WILL NOT DITCH YOU FOR A MORE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN AT THE FIRST SIGN OF DANGER THIRD SONG
2011 example: Brett Dennen: "Sydney"
Women need to know that you might actually have their back. They need to know that when Sprinkles is sick you will not put her out of her misery (Office reference,) they need to know that you will be there when they reject that expired Sears coupon, they need to know that you will be there when a dog eats Dan's heart (One Tree Hill reference,) and they need to know that even when the temperature is a chilly fifty-five you might still consider driving them to the airport. Women need to know that when the proverbial feces hits the proverbial fan that you will clean it up with your proverbial shovel. "Sydney" is the perfect "Darling, I always got your back!" song.
SONG #4: THE I AM JUST A TOTAL SWEETHEART WHO MAY OR MAY NOT WANT YOU FOURTH SONG
2011 example: Ryan Adams: "Come Home"
So far on your quest to just bang a random hot chick you have established that you do not want to just randomly bang a hot chick, that you may care about political issues other than the legalization of hooch, and that you may let them borrow your coat if things really get bad. The woman is now talking with her friends about how you meet everything on her "perfect guy" checklist. This is not what we want. Meeting everything on that checklist means lunch dates, babysitting, and pretending to like Newt Gingrich just to get in good with her father. We need something that will get this fine lady to your bachelor pad as soon as possible. A song as sweet as "Come Home" will bring this lady to you immediately.
SONG #5: THE I AM TOTALLY HIP BUT NOT A HIPSTER FIFTH SONG
2011 example: Bon Iver: "Beth/Rest"
At this point the woman wants you physically but not emotionally? She wants you to tear off your clothes but doesn't want to see who is underneath the clothes, she wants you to make her shout random things but does not know anything about the person who she is shouting for, and she wants to know you but she doesn't want to "know you." You want this girl to know that you are more that just a perfect piece of ass who oozes sexual playlists. You want her to think you are hip as well. That is why you put the 1980's sensitive porn stauche anthem "Beth/Rest" right here. If she doesn't like this song then she didn't deserve you anyway, bro!
SONG # 6: THE LOVE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME SIXTH SONG
2011 example: Meg & Dia: "Love Is"
Women define love as a flower on a bad day, a "perfect wedding," a random upside down kiss in the middle of a storm, and a bunch of stuff that we are too stupid to understand. Men define love as their dog Rufus, their fantasy football team, their favorite brand of beer, the 3-D "Jackass" movie, and MuzikDizcovery.com! Somehow we have to at least pretend that we are trying to reach a compromise. So this song makes it sound like you would name your Fantasy team after her favorite flower, your dog could be the best man in your wedding, you would tongue kiss her between every sip of alcohol, that you will visit Gawker in between reading a brilliant Casey Whitman write up, and that you will only try three stunts from Jackass. This song makes her believe you not only understand love, but way more importantly makes her believe that you understand compromise.
SONG #7: THE I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GAY FOR JESUS CHRIST SEVENTH SONG
2011 example: Thrice: "Treading Paper"
I have always found the female relationship with God more complicated then my relationship with Double Stuffed Oreos. Sometimes they act like all they want is God and other times they act like they despise Jesus so much that they will not even let him water their plants. But in general they love Jesus even though their is suffering in the same way I love Double Stuffed Oreo's even though they make me look like Meatloaf with three food babies. They need a song that demonstrates a complex and unconditional love of Jesus. Thrice can do anything.
(gets struck by lightning)
SONG #8: THE I AM NOT REALLY THAT DEPRESSED EIGHTH SONG
2011 example: Jay-Z and Kanye West: "Otis"
So the other day me and Annymous Girl #18 were driving in my other other benz the other day and I thought it appropriate to put on some Boxer by the National. By the time we got to the opening verse of "Green Gloves" though she just opened that beautiful mouth of hers and said "Blair, sweetie this is pretty damn depressing." After picking her off the cement, I realized that she was probably right. Women want one dose of fun dancing badass to go along with their ten doses of sensitive perfect guy. "Otis" is the perfect fun song that proves that you can actually have fun even if you are white and cannot dance.
SONG # 9: THE CLINCHER
2011 example: Your Name: "Your Pitiful Love Song"
So far you have convinced this fair lady that you are not a one night stand type of person, that you may actually stand for something other than not starting DeSean Jackson in a contract year, she is convinced that you might not watch a re run of "The Contest" if she was in a life or death situation, you have convinced her that you actually love her, you have convinced her that you are the only man in the world that understands love, you have convinced her that you are a hip non hipster, you have convinced her you love Jesus, and you have convinced her that you have some "swagger." Now it is time to win her heart and sing for her.
It really doesn't matter how good your song is right now. She just wants to hear in you tell her that you care for her even if it is in the most underproduced and over cliched way possible. Once you tell her in your own voice you love her she will be prepared to make some sweet love to you. All of those other eight songs won't matter. You did it, man!
You're Welcome,
Blair Chopin
The problem you are having is that you like music by artist that are not Gaga, artist who are neither slim nor shady, artist who refuse to kiss you through the phone, and artist who actually have some sort of musical talent. Once the female hears that you like music that is not on "Shit Songs 107.1" she immediately considers you to be a weird person who she could not carry on a romantic relationship with. She needs a man who makes 250K a year not a man who has 250,000 different versions of "Reckoner." Once you admit that you are not a radio robot, all hope seems to be lost.
Or is it?
This woman is obviously going to ask you for a CD, playlist, or if she is white trash enough a cassette. If you do this playlist wrong you will be the guy who watches "90210" with her, the guy who wakes her up on Black Friday, and the guy who is supposed to always be in a state of quiet awe around her fratty boyfriend. But if you do this playlist right you will end up having one of the best days of your life. Here are some things that you need to establish with this playlist:
A. You are not like every other guy!
B. You are not looking just to get in her pants!
C. You will always "be there" for her!
D. You know what love is!
E. You are hip, but not a hipster!
F. You have subscribed to at least one politically correct view!
G. You believe in Jesus/Buddah/Allah/Etc!
H. You recorded a song for her!
You have a chance to have a perfect day. Go and get it with these nine songs!*
*Please stop reading if you are a female or a decent human being*
SONG # 1: THE I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A QUICK BANG OPENING SONG
2011 example: Death Cab For Cutie: "Stay Young, Go Dancing"
Most women believe that most men are just looking to hookup with them based off of the proven fact that 99% of men are just looking to hook up with them. This means that going into this playlist the attractive female is expecting an opening song like "I Want To F(ournicate) With You." You have to make her think that you are not all about that and that is why it is key for you to choose a sensitive and romantic opening song. SYGD is the perfect opening song: it talks about love at first sight, falling in love, and dancing even through the coldest of winters. It is key that you choose a song that does not have the words "shawty," "jizz," "booty," or "roofi" in the lyrics. SYGD is the perfect sensitive first song.
SONG #2: THE I ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IMPORTANT SHIT SECOND SONG
2011 example: Frank Ocean: "We All Try"
Women love a politically correct cause. So far this month I have been a 99 percenter, a Pro Life activist, a Pro Choice activist, an Environmentalist, a Scientologist and most importantly someone disguised as a decent human being. Women get excited when they are tricked into thinking that men might actually be more then beer, Halo, and fantasy football. "We All Try" is good because it presents you as someone with original opinions on gay rights, the moon landing, God, and abortion. You no longer look like a douchebag!
SONG # 3: THE I PROBABLY WILL NOT DITCH YOU FOR A MORE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN AT THE FIRST SIGN OF DANGER THIRD SONG
2011 example: Brett Dennen: "Sydney"
Women need to know that you might actually have their back. They need to know that when Sprinkles is sick you will not put her out of her misery (Office reference,) they need to know that you will be there when they reject that expired Sears coupon, they need to know that you will be there when a dog eats Dan's heart (One Tree Hill reference,) and they need to know that even when the temperature is a chilly fifty-five you might still consider driving them to the airport. Women need to know that when the proverbial feces hits the proverbial fan that you will clean it up with your proverbial shovel. "Sydney" is the perfect "Darling, I always got your back!" song.
SONG #4: THE I AM JUST A TOTAL SWEETHEART WHO MAY OR MAY NOT WANT YOU FOURTH SONG
2011 example: Ryan Adams: "Come Home"
So far on your quest to just bang a random hot chick you have established that you do not want to just randomly bang a hot chick, that you may care about political issues other than the legalization of hooch, and that you may let them borrow your coat if things really get bad. The woman is now talking with her friends about how you meet everything on her "perfect guy" checklist. This is not what we want. Meeting everything on that checklist means lunch dates, babysitting, and pretending to like Newt Gingrich just to get in good with her father. We need something that will get this fine lady to your bachelor pad as soon as possible. A song as sweet as "Come Home" will bring this lady to you immediately.
SONG #5: THE I AM TOTALLY HIP BUT NOT A HIPSTER FIFTH SONG
2011 example: Bon Iver: "Beth/Rest"
At this point the woman wants you physically but not emotionally? She wants you to tear off your clothes but doesn't want to see who is underneath the clothes, she wants you to make her shout random things but does not know anything about the person who she is shouting for, and she wants to know you but she doesn't want to "know you." You want this girl to know that you are more that just a perfect piece of ass who oozes sexual playlists. You want her to think you are hip as well. That is why you put the 1980's sensitive porn stauche anthem "Beth/Rest" right here. If she doesn't like this song then she didn't deserve you anyway, bro!
SONG # 6: THE LOVE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME SIXTH SONG
2011 example: Meg & Dia: "Love Is"
Women define love as a flower on a bad day, a "perfect wedding," a random upside down kiss in the middle of a storm, and a bunch of stuff that we are too stupid to understand. Men define love as their dog Rufus, their fantasy football team, their favorite brand of beer, the 3-D "Jackass" movie, and MuzikDizcovery.com! Somehow we have to at least pretend that we are trying to reach a compromise. So this song makes it sound like you would name your Fantasy team after her favorite flower, your dog could be the best man in your wedding, you would tongue kiss her between every sip of alcohol, that you will visit Gawker in between reading a brilliant Casey Whitman write up, and that you will only try three stunts from Jackass. This song makes her believe you not only understand love, but way more importantly makes her believe that you understand compromise.
SONG #7: THE I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GAY FOR JESUS CHRIST SEVENTH SONG
2011 example: Thrice: "Treading Paper"
I have always found the female relationship with God more complicated then my relationship with Double Stuffed Oreos. Sometimes they act like all they want is God and other times they act like they despise Jesus so much that they will not even let him water their plants. But in general they love Jesus even though their is suffering in the same way I love Double Stuffed Oreo's even though they make me look like Meatloaf with three food babies. They need a song that demonstrates a complex and unconditional love of Jesus. Thrice can do anything.
(gets struck by lightning)
SONG #8: THE I AM NOT REALLY THAT DEPRESSED EIGHTH SONG
2011 example: Jay-Z and Kanye West: "Otis"
So the other day me and Annymous Girl #18 were driving in my other other benz the other day and I thought it appropriate to put on some Boxer by the National. By the time we got to the opening verse of "Green Gloves" though she just opened that beautiful mouth of hers and said "Blair, sweetie this is pretty damn depressing." After picking her off the cement, I realized that she was probably right. Women want one dose of fun dancing badass to go along with their ten doses of sensitive perfect guy. "Otis" is the perfect fun song that proves that you can actually have fun even if you are white and cannot dance.
SONG # 9: THE CLINCHER
2011 example: Your Name: "Your Pitiful Love Song"
So far you have convinced this fair lady that you are not a one night stand type of person, that you may actually stand for something other than not starting DeSean Jackson in a contract year, she is convinced that you might not watch a re run of "The Contest" if she was in a life or death situation, you have convinced her that you actually love her, you have convinced her that you are the only man in the world that understands love, you have convinced her that you are a hip non hipster, you have convinced her you love Jesus, and you have convinced her that you have some "swagger." Now it is time to win her heart and sing for her.
It really doesn't matter how good your song is right now. She just wants to hear in you tell her that you care for her even if it is in the most underproduced and over cliched way possible. Once you tell her in your own voice you love her she will be prepared to make some sweet love to you. All of those other eight songs won't matter. You did it, man!
You're Welcome,
Blair Chopin
very amusing
ReplyDeleteBlair, I have to say that this was enlightening.If there was ever a "Staying Solo for Dummies" book, I would pray that they let write the intro. That is if you're hand is free enough to write. There are some problems with what you write. I found most of your errors from the title on.
ReplyDeleteFirst: Who wants a handsome lady!? That's like asking for hair in your food. Except its in her armpits and you're in front whining while she sticks silicone in your rear. Personally, I prefer a pretty lady... or a cute lady... or just a lady. Second: You focus this article on how to get it in. You intend to be an asshole, compromise your morals but maintain your musical prowess. If you're so desperate to get your dick sucked, why not save the time and tell her you're goo-goo for Gaga? She'll be on your disco stick before you can clean your hornrims.
Third: Women like intelligent men. A fair sign of intelligence is the ability to spell. In this modern age, you don't even have to use your brain, the computer will do it for you. Be smart enough to use spell check.
Finally: As a man who has a meaningful relationship filled with lots of what you are aspiring to achieve, I can let you know that you are destined to fail. By this point you probably know this doesn't work. I can guess your internet history from here... if you haven't deleted it already. If you really want to have a good time, be respectful, don't wear pants that are tighter than hers, and for the love of the God that you insist you love, stop writing.
P.S. I'm rather glad you posted this online... this way any woman you ever run into will know that you are full of shit.
Well done good sir.
ReplyDelete